Welcome to Vital Colchester`s new light-hearted look at the past week, a rundown of the latest musings and views ahead of a weekend`s football fiesta, which includes the return of the Premier League!
Friday, 7th August
Full-back Mark Tierney, described as “psychotic-looking” in a recent edition of Four Four Two, admits that the squad have done extra weight training, which began in May, ahead of the new season. It`s left the lads fit as fleas but they had to lay off the sun-loungers and pina colada.
Rather them than me – hopefully it`s the kind of dedicated talk to scare opposing attackers though!
Saturday, 8th August
Lucky Seven. Magnificent. Marvelous. Colchester United assent to the top of League One in an East Anglian derby-day whitewash, which leaves everyone dashing for the clichés. Theo Pathetis, rather than City`s debutant Michael Theoklitos might as well have been net-keeping!
Click here to savor Vital Colchester`s match report. Read it? Read it again… and again… and again…!
Ian Holloway also enjoys recalling the time a woman threw her season ticket at him while at QPR, alas Bryan Gunn, on the BBC`s all-new highlights package, The Football League Show. He comically replied: “I`m all that, love. And a bag of chips.”
Best Match Chant: “Bench Boy, Bench Boy!” at the stranded, but football-hungry, Jamie Cureton, who is an unused sub as the U`s crush City. An altogether cleaner adaptation of the original!
Sunday, 9th August
Conesus is that the U`s don`t get praise enough from the media for dishing out a 7-1 spanking. So Vital obliges by marking a rundown of the most amusing and memorable write-ups from throughout the weekend. Deliciously quotey!
Monday, 10th August
Colchester bask in the long glow of glory as the club announces they are transferring the weekend`s game from most U`s fans retinal area and onto a please-watch-me DVD. Yipeee!
Tuesday, 11th August
I get unrealistically exited ahead of the season`s first game at home as they U`s welcome Layton Orient and a certain ex-boss, Geraint Williams. The rest of Colchester were either nonplussed or still on holiday as only 3,000-odd turn up to hear the newly-oiled drum and trumpet ringing out from the stadium and drifting down the A12.
The game goes from one pantomimic extreme to the other as U`s fans first applaud former goal-poacher Scott McGleish, only to shower him later with a crescendo of boos when he threatens to knock the ball out of slightly nervous pair of hands, belonging to U`s keeper, Mark Cousins. Oh, and adding to the vaudeville, Clive Platt is sent marching.
Best Match Chant: “We`re gonna win 8-1!” Ambitious U`s fans look to go one better than they did on Saturday as Orient take a shock lead after 90 seconds.
Wednesday, 12th August
Nothing happens… only joking! Everyone pretends they didn`t really care about the League Cup in the first place by assuring themselves that Saturday`s first league home game will pan out must better… hopefully! At least, those who went do so!
England also IMPROVE in the second-half of a friendly against Holland, drawing 2-2… that`s a turn-up, after the Sven years!
Thursday, 13th August
The club admit that most season-tickets are dispatched by now, ensuring no repeat of last year`s debacle when not everyone had tickets in time for the big kick-off. Then there was an issue that any, erm, larger-than-life U`s fans had to face sideways to fit through the new ground`s electronic turnstiles.
Skipper Dean Hammond concedes he`s an admirer of now-Ipswich boss Roy Keane on the radio, which makes me slightly blue and white with envy and I also spy a fanzine offering good odds on Clive Platt to open Saturday`s scoring against Yeovil, despite the fact that he`s suspended… what`s football-speak for horse racing`s non-runner…?!?
Friday, 14th August
The U`s announce plans for a new training ground in Tiptree after their initial application was rejected on the old designs. And in slightly non-football related celebrity sightings, I see the club`s Life President, Peter Herd, clad in his CUFC rags while shopping in Tesco!
How the other half live, eh?
UP THE U’S! 
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Really like this feature. Gives the sites a new dimension!