Date: 22nd August 2009 at 9:06pm
Written by:

Week two of the season, again in comic review-form… those of a Norwich disposition, be warned: strong black humour and even stronger insults lie within!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Use Vital`s Twitter account to chat with MoTD regular Jacqui Oatley as she writes about appearing on the night`s Football League Show. Insist I`m only playing devil`s advocate by asking her what team she follows: “Sorry, can’t say for as long as I’m a commentator! Always totally impartial anyway so it’s never an issue.” Blast.

Amid blue skies and blazing sunshine, Colchester prepare for their first home game of the season against Yeovil; with all the ruckus, the attendance of just a touch over 4,000 seems like false information. Still plenty of empty-seat patches, though.

Before kick-off, Eddie the Eagle- Colchester`s own mascot not Manchester City`s notorious namesake – lobs black footballs at crowds in the South Stand and Family Area; I restrain every sinew to keep from grabbing one off delighted kids. Don’t look at me like that! All I want to know is, why doesn`t aging automatically qualify you for a free ball, along the standard paunch and horrendous pre-game nerves?

Also spy in the programme that castout winger, Medi Elito, wades in with shirt number 39 – and that there are plenty of spares. Has my chance finally come?! As it goes with Elito, you can just imagine the club`s response. “We`ve got a big squad.” Yes, gaffer, but not that big, surely…?

U`s win 2-1 and could have had more. Manager makes some rare comments about the ref, which is one game too late in my opinion.

He is sent to the stands. If he`d have had any sense of irony, the boss could at least have verbally strung-up Darren Deadman, who was in Essex for the League Cup game, in the previous fixture. Given his unfortunate surname, the writing would have been very much on the wall there…

Best Match Chant: “Are you Norwich in disguise?” Sung when a rampant-looking U`s, who should have been well clear, have at least four great first-half chances.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

The Sundays are full of teeth-splittingly stupid alliterations to mark Arsenal`s 6-1 goal-avalanche against Everton during the Premier League`s first round of matches. Spiffing Six! Six Shooters! But besides that objection, I have to admit being impressed… Coin a phrase about the Gunners ‘Doing A Colchester` on Vital, jumping on the bandwagon because the result mirrors our 7-1 slaying the previous weekend.

My reward isn`t to receive the free-flowing collection of comments I was expecting. Days later and I`m still awaiting a first response. So much for hanging sporting opinion on popular events!

Monday, August 17, 2009

I swing on by new U`s fan shop, U’s Central which in Colchester town and happen to chance on the club`s Legends scratchcards; fancying a flutter, I buy one. I swore I`d only part with a £1 if the card had Karl Duguid on it, but settle for Mickey Cook. (If you`re still reading and care that much, it came up trumps, repaying me a quid… so I`ve learnt my lesson this time and won`t bother buying any more!)

Johnnie Jackson signs on under the Sven revolution – like the way Glenn Speller described them on the radio: “Using a sledgehammer to crack a nut.” By the way, I think his most important goal fot the side was against Preston, in 2007-8… because it won me a pint!

Oh and just before bed, a load of rubbish about Paul Lambert supposedly leaving the team top of the table for a side, Norwich, he`s just thrashed 7-1 not so long ago, emerges. I`m a bit nervous but deep-down don`t think it can happen, even to Colchester United… can it?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

… it can! Paul Lambert ups and leaves to Norwich in a 10` o clock press conference; he gives no notice and says nothing to thank fans.

It`s clear he doesn`t have an affinity with the club, although there’s a telling line in the very coded Dear John letter, filed via his already-published programme notes for the evening`s game against Gillingham: “I want to thank the fans who have paid good money to come and watch us tonight.”

Norwich can`t get over the fact they`ve poached Lambert, even though the supreme irony is that he`s only on a rolling contract and could cost City something like £5000,000, if the Phil Parkinson compensation fee of a few years ago is any yardstick. Dump thier own club ‘legend` Bryan Gunn so unceremoniously? Well, then, Lambert doesn`t stand a chance, unless he`s more successfully instant than your average cup of coffee…

Oh, yes – sorry; this to not supposed to be a black-hearted response to the latest events of all things Blue and White! So, I`ll grind my final axe and say the hitch stinks of desperation on both sides, from City and Lambert. Shot-gun matrimony, indeed – and I hope they are very happy together!

Skipper Dean Hammond also rocks the boat by jumping from it – and I type so much on Vital, with all the news, that I probably left my fingerprints (it feels like whole fingers) permanently on the keyboard!

A fresh rush of adrenaline kicks in before the Gillingham game, although at one point I envisage riots and nearly don`t go. Instead, the team`s performance proves the perfect tonic as a loyal Kem Izzet and Pat Baldwin shine. Great end to an emotional, football-fuelled, day.

Best Match Chant:He used to manage us and now he`s with the scum, Paul Lambert, woah-ho, Paul Lambert, woah-ho.”

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Sir MBE Sheringham rejects speculation that Colchester United`s now vacant managerial post is his special calling but big names are supposedly in-the-running.

It`s funny really; nobody even actually asked him if he wanted the job and in return he used an agent I`m frankly surprised he still employs to royally reject the idea. Me, get all huffy? After the week we’re having, I make no appology!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Just when you think sitting this low on football`s food-chain sucks, the club are touchingly honest about Hammond`s transfer and heap praise on supporters for making our previously plastic-feeling ground less like a house and more like home against the Gills.

And, amid all the melodrama someone reminds me we`re still top of League One. Oi! Of course I haven`t got the table upside-down…

Friday, August 21, 2009

Encouraging news! The club are expecting around 500 fans to go away to MK Dons tomorrow – in that respect I suppose we are not a patch on Norwich`s fanbase – which will hopefully help the club make history and win four in four at the start of the season for the first time ever!

United also say they`ve had a manager applying, claim he`s coached in the Middle East and knows a sheikh who might want a new plaything… safe to say it probably wasn`t Sven!


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